Geek Goddess - Dating and Relationship Advice
Advice from the Geek Goddess.
Please send your questions about dating and relationships to email@example.com
Subject: Why do the good times have to end?
Every time I find a great woman to spend time with I almost always have to end the relationship later on?
One of my greatest challenges is finding the right match that does not flake out in a bad way.
Then once I find a girl that seems perfect?
Something comes along and changes her or challenges me to change. (Example: Her mom does not like me when we meet at thanks giving. Or her Friend does not like certain habits of mine. Or her Ex pops up and they decide to chat like best buds. Or the Fiance walks in to surprise her on her birthday while she and I are ... in our birthday suits together.)
Relationships are hard work alone.
Why does crap like this keep happening to me?
Is there a book I can get on this subject that you can recommend?
The book I suggest is Children of Dune.
Change is a GOOD thing. No one survives harsh environments WITHOUT it. So a girlfriend's parents don't like you, so what! If you want to get to the spice you have to put on your stillsuit and adapt to the environment you find yourself in. And flat out NO one is perfect. Perfect is for fairy tales. Do you think Chani liked the fact that Paul had to marry Princess Irulan? God no, but if she wanted to be with Paul she knew she had to let him do that for the sake of the empire.
Relationships are VERY hard work but being flexible, adaptable, and most of all patient, they are priceless. Love, like spice, lets you transcend space and time. Neither of which can be found or harvested easily yet the world is a much darker place without them. Each relationship teaches you something and helps you learn what you want in a mate and often what you don't want. Each obstacle is a sandworm you have to overcome. And whether we like it or not, the spice must flow!
Hey, "the Fiance walks in to surprise her on her birthday while she and I are ... in our birthday suits together."? That I can’t help you out with if you’re serious.
Keep in touch as to how things are going.
Subject: Why can't it be like in the movies?
Long story I will attempt to shorten. Met a girl through WoW. Fell for her utterly. found out she had a distant boyfriend. tried to get her to end it and consider me, over the course of 2 years she dated 3 other guys all of which broke her heart. The last one got her pregnant, she miscarried, and then he broke up with her saying he thought she made up the whole thing just to be with him. she was devastated. Just after christmas of last year she decided it was finally my turn...I was overjoyed. Over the last 6 months I have tried and tried to get through this emotional wall she has put up. She lives 4 hours away, I haven't seen her since almost 2 years ago for her birthday weekend (as friends) I get somewhere in the range of 15-20 texts a week total (used to be 200-300 per day when we were friends, and prior to the miscarriage) Talk to her for about an hour on the phone every 2-3 weeks (used to be 3-4 hours a night til one of us fell asleep on the phone, 3-5 nights a week) I cannot get her on skype or webcam for any reason period. (used to raid in wow with her on cam the entire time) And in general I just feel disassociated from her life, I've brought these problems to her attention many many times, and she says she will try harder, but nothing ever changes. Is there any way to get through this emotional barricade? I truly love her, but I refuse to be a penpal, which is how I feel (and I do understand that a miscarriage can take a long time to heal emotionally, I'm just worried I won't be able to wait that long.
You sound like a nice guy, so…I’m probably going to make you cry when I say this. Give it up. This girl is playing you like an accordion, and it sounds just as annoying. When you met her, she was involved with someone else. You professed your interest, and she still led you on and made you wait until it was "your turn". So you made it clear from the beginning that you were a pushover, and guess what? Her view of you isn’t going to change. End it, find someone new, and don’t be such a pushover next time, and maybe you’ll get the full attention you really do deserve.
Subject: Help and Advice
About 1 ½ 2 years ago I was in a very long term relationship (8) with a woman whom I truly loved and felt I wanted to marry she ended up breaking things off and moved out ( we still talk and love each other ( although she is married to some other idiot now) I spent the next year feel sad and depressed and hurt beyond anything I felt before so about 9 months ago I met a woman who was about 3 months pregnant we hit it off pretty well talk never argued never fought and she helped pull me out of that dark tunnel I was feeling trapped in recently however things have changed her mother hates me and has convinced her to cut me out of her baby daddy is still in her picture life… throughout the entire pregnancy I was the one who was always their besides for support and understanding I came to have feeling for this girl so I asked her to move in with me and she said yes and started to well the week she was settling in we had a conversation ( FYI baby daddy was getting more involved with talking and being there for his son ONLY his son Not her) and she felt she was missing her mom so we decided that she would spend a week let her mom see the grandbabies and everything ( right thing to do I thought) well at time line she went into labor
So I took her to the delivery room contacted all the respective ppl her mom her friend and baby daddy the ONLY person to show up beside me was her best friend I was the one in the delivery room when Mathew was born, ok baby daddy says he can’t get ride and is waiting on his mom to let him know if she can drive him Nice daddy huh …. Ok he show up HOURS several HOURs after Mathew is Born …with his Girlfriend whom my girl hates.. she/ they ask me to leave the room so her and him can talk being the nice guy I am and have been I left ( against my better judgement) well maybe 10 or 15 mins later he leaves the hospital with his girlfriend.. I spent a few more hours with her ask her if she wants me to spend the night there with he she tells me no go home and everything well similar situations like this occur for the 3-4 days she is recuperating I’mthe one who spent the most time with her their she had visits from family and friends most of who disliked me and all of them telling her I’m negative and this and that and that baby daddy is good for her and she Should make things WORK with him.
And also every time her and baby daddy talked it seem like one fight or argument or some disagreement ater the other while her and I never really fought or had a disagreement she seemed happy and laughing and joyful.. well that all changed after Mathew was born she came home and spent a few days here with me then we followed through with her spending a few days /weekend at her moms for her to visit and see the babies one night she texts me asks me to come bring her something and I respond with an ok is this your way of saying you miss me and want to see she says yes so I decide ok baby daddy is their seeing his son and all and she wants to see me cool so I asked if she wanted to see a movie with me and she yes yea.. so I go their to pick her up I arrive at the house walk in and everyone is giving me a mean dirty look and I get told I’m interrupting FAMILY time and I should not have come or asked her to see a movie well I’m an understanding guy always hae been it upset me but I didn’t let it show or try to bother me well couple of days after that she tells me she is staying with her mom and has moved out that her and babby daddy are a family and she loves him even though he does not love her in return and she broke everything off with me no babby daddy is saying and has been saying all along her and him are family and all that .. now she seems to hate me and hardly speaks with me I don’t know what to do I really care about Brandi and her sons I fell in love with her and her little ones I’m 40 years old she is 20 I know it’s an age difference but age has never ben a concern with me as long as they are an adult you know I would like some advice the only time she contacts me now is to get the rest of her stuff and she has cut me out of her life like a bad cancer I feel that between her mother disliking me and telling her how negative I am suppose to be and baby daddy telling her they are family it has convinced her to get rid of me ( even though we got along great together we really hit of for 7-8 months of the relationship I was the one she could always count on was it that she was just using me during her pregnancy is she just a child who can’t tell the difference my heart is hurting I think about both these girls every day I feel I’m in love with them both even though 1 is married to a jack ass and the other feels she doesn’t want anything to do with me I need help and advice
Okay, wow, well, first of all, congratulations on being the originator of the longest sentence ever constructed in the history of language! Now that that’s out of the way (your prize is in the mail), I’d like to preface this by saying that I am a big fan of dissecting age differences in relationships. It’s not so much age as maturity and while you lack some of it for a 40 year old (I really did think a young kid was writing that…novel), you certainly possess more of it than a 20 year old with children and a baby daddy and a controlling mom does. This girl sounds to me like she wants to be taken care of. She lets her mother run her life, she lets her baby daddy walk all over her, and then there’s you, the knight in shining armor, who seems like a good stable guy who will run out and buy diapers for her at 3 am. Is that what you really want? I understand that you’re 40 and you expect to be in a relationship with someone with kids, but hello, not a 20 year old with kids. IMHO, no 20 year old is ready for kids, so how nice is it to find a 40 year old to prey on who is ready for kids and responsibility? Maybe you can watch the baby while she goes out and celebrates her 21st birthday? I know it sounds harsh but it’s the cold reality of your situation. She isn’t in control of her life, and you need to find someone who is.
Subject: Geek Goddess
Dear Geek Goddess,
First off, I would like to appologize if this is the 3rd message you have
received from me. Just one of those week, right?
It is to my misfortune that I have yet to find a stable relationship. My
first relationship ended terribly after prolonged emotional abuse, so she
could try and brake up with me guilt free. Her once best friend warned me of
her plans and I ended it before she could. My second relationship was more
casual, but we eventually just drifted apart. And that is my totality of my
relationship experience. I am shy, but I am working on it. Though I have
tried, I can't seem to pick up on subtle clues when women are interested.
For this reason, I have turned to online dating, like gk2gk and e-harmony
(almost 2 years for gk2gk and e-harmony doesn't seem to be worth it), and I
have really gotten nothing but a few hundred dollars poorer. On gk2gk, I
have yet to receive some much as a wink and e-harmony only underscores how
unlikely it is for me to meet someone with similar interests.
I know that there is not someone for everyone, but with nearly 7 billion
people on this world, that the chances of at least one being compatibly are
pretty darn high, I'm not that much of a special snowflake. Since one of my
problems is picking up on subtle hints, is there some advice you could give
me other that 'pay more attention'?
Dating sites are an anomaly to many people. They come on, create a profile - sometimes a boring one - and then expect the love to come pouring in. I'm going to guess that either you need to vamp up your profile or make some effort into pursuing people more aggressively online. The best part about pursuing a relationship online is that rejection, while inevitable, is so much easier than face to face. Also, if you message someone, the FIRST THING they are going to do is look at your profile, so make it good! Don't make it a novel, but give enough information about yourself to let them know enough about you in a two minutes. Don't be negative (i.e., "I don't want..."), focus on the positives ("I'm looking for..."). Try it, give it a month and see if you get any more results. Good Profile + Effort = Match. It's like math!
All of my advice is open for comment. I always like to hear from my fellow readers, whether you have a question of your own or comments about my good and/or bad advice.
Please send your questions about dating and relationships to firstname.lastname@example.org